MAKING LOVE TO OURSELVES

“Apna haath jagannath” - a phrase I first heard when I was in the 11th grade. The naive fool that I was, it took me quite some time to figure it out. I had been a “weaving fantasies in my head” sort from a very early age, even before I hit my teens. ​

I used to concoct love stories in my mind as I lay in bed at night, about my cousin’s friends and how we’d be interacting as shy kids. I chose a different boy every night, most of them never even knew I existed. As I grew slightly older, the known boys became unknown men and I’d prescribe different identities to them. They could be from anywhere in the world. I used to fall asleep to thoughts of love stories woven in a Mills & Boon style. Touching myself down there came later and rather naturally as the body started sending signals to the brain. Until then, it was all about innocent love.

The traditional Indian upbringing when I was young, somehow conditioned us to only think of love, what with all the mushy Bollywood movies we grow up with. On top of that, lust or sexual desire were rather taboo words. They were never spoken of out loud and there was usually a “dirty” tag attached to it. And if you were a woman - god forbid sexual desire even be discussed. Girls from “good families” didn’t talk about such things, let alone indulged in the real act of actually making out with a real person. Sex was something to be had after marriage only with the blessings of our elders.

​As I grew older, in my mid-teens, the hand automatically started to wander around my own body, especially at night under the thin cotton covers. They discovered the wetness and the contours. The way the body responded to touch. Sometimes, it would mean bolting the door after a shower and using a hand mirror to explore the shape of my evolving womanhood. Everything had to be hurried as there was always an element of shame involved in the mind.

Writing about this “rush-rush” experience of my youth reminds me of an incident that’s stayed with me across the years.

​I had taken my then 2-year-old daughter to her friend’s house in Zurich to play. The little girl’s mom greeted me at the door and asked me to wait with my daughter in the living room. On asking if Sara was sleeping, I was told she’s fiddling with her private parts and the mom wanted her to finish her game in peace. I almost fell off the couch and the very erudite mom explained to me that some kids have this urge to satisfy themselves and it’s a very natural instinct. I had been stunned, not so much at what the child was doing but at the way the mom had reacted in such a matter of fact way. My mind had drifted back to the way I had grown up.

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty of what masturbation entails but it does involve a good understanding of our own bodies.
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There needs to be a certain level of love and acceptance of our bodies to want to make love to it. This is my personal opinion. More importantly, one needs to know if we are women who have clitoral or vaginal orgasms. While the majority of people think that sex is about the vagina, statistics show that a much higher percentage of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation than through vaginal, although a woman is capable of both.

Giving it time and space is also something that’s very important. It sure is possible to get a quick Big O by using the shower jet but one mustn’t forget that like any other thing, sex begins in the brain. So it’s good to plan it and get into the mood for it. It’s your private space, so do it at a time when you are comfortable with your surroundings.

Female masturbation is not just a physical act, it needs a lot of mental stimulation. Some need to weave stories in their minds about a situation, some need to think of a person (someone we know personally or sometimes it’s a celebrity we feel sexually attracted to), some need to think of memories, some need to watch porn or some need to read erotica.

Whatever works for you - it’s different for everyone.
In our society, most women feel a huge shame attached to masturbation. They think of it as something wrong - like it means you’re almost “cheating” on your partner. Without delving into the much more complicated discussion on how the mind actually works as far as erotic behaviour is concerned, I’d say, there’s absolutely no shame or guilt in experiencing an orgasm on your own, letting the thoughts flow freely.
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There are many who masturbate together with their partners. For them, a good sexual act isn’t complete without masturbation and they need the partner to help them out. This creates a different level of intimacy that’s glorious.

 What I find the best part about masturbation or “klittra” as they call it these days, is the fact how emancipated and empowered we feel to be able to take our sexuality in our own hands. We aren’t dependent on any other human for our pleasures. On top of that, it gives a very heightened understanding of our bodies which help us have very fulfilling sex with our partners.

​A friend told me once “masturbation is a wasted opportunity.” For me, it’s just the opposite, it’s me being in control of my mind, body and my sexuality. I can’t tell you what a liberating thing it has been for me. There's no other

person and his/her tantrums and emotional paraphernalia that one needs to deal with. I must add, my point is not to advocate this over sex with a partner at all. It’s something that can go hand-in-hand - all puns intended.
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There are wonderful gadgets available in the market, some targeting the clitoris, some for the vagina and some for both. Get one (or many!) that suit you and enjoy making love to yourself. Let your mind fly free with fantasies, without any barriers, restrictions or feelings of guilt. It’s all about you.