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FIERY OVER FORTY
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MID-LIFE WITHOUT THE CRISIS

11/2/2018

19 Comments

 
When I had my first tattoo done at the “ripe old age” of 49, I got to hear things like:

“What! Your mid-life crisis has finally caught up with you!”
“Now? Exactly when the skin is starting to lose elasticity?”
“Why would you EVER do that to yourself!”
You know me - if I want to get a tattoo, it’s because I just want to get a tattoo. I don’t see why that needed to have a crisis attached to it.

But it did set my grey cells ticking; what exactly IS a mid-life crisis?

This is how the dictionary defines it:

“A loss of self-confidence and feeling of anxiety or disappointment that can occur in early middle age.”

Although my first reaction was to smirk, I have to admit, there is some truth to that definition. On the other hand, a single line can hardly even attempt to define the vast gamut of emotions that underline the phrase “Mid-Life Crisis”.

WHAT HAPPENS AT MID-LIFE?

Let’s tackle it step by step.
​
  1. Loss of Self-Confidence
    Yes, that can happen. Suddenly we feel our youth fading, we are being relegated to aunt status, being written off as undesirable creatures, people around us are taking us for granted - all of these things can affect one’s self-esteem.


  2. Anxiety
    When mid-life hits, quite a few of us get this niggling feeling about our future all of a sudden. Things seem to be less clear ahead of us and that causes anxiety.


  3. Disappointment
    We tend to look at the dreams we were forced to leave behind at this stage and begin to wallow in regret.

WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON?

I can now safely proceed to what I have been observing from conversations with many women and in my short career as a “40 plus women-whisperer” (that’s what I consider myself to be).

Yes, we are going through major changes in our bodies but they all fade in comparison to what’s going on in our minds.

Yes, we’re feeling all the things that are defined by the dictionary; but what that definition fails to capture - or even come close to capturing - is what the world doesn’t get to see closely.

So what’s really going on during mid-life?

There’s a rebellion; a storm that’s brewing inside us. Most of us recover from the initial crisis that the world sees, rather fast. Then a major turn-around happens in our heads.

We begin to feel a sense of empowerment, a need for self-love, an urge to reclaim our time and space. After all the years of letting our needs take a backseat voluntarily, we wake up to a new us. I also hear so many women feeling the need to break free from societal shackles, from
​pre-defined roles.
Picture
Some of us seek out a change in career that can be something diametrically opposite to what we have been doing; while some of us get this wild urge to be on their own again, some want to indulge in more “me” time.
​

There’s also a new-found sense of liberation in us once we make peace with the changes in our minds after the initial confusion.

THE BEST PART?

We FINALLY find the relationships we’ve always looked for.

Most of the times, it’s our girlfriends who help us out of this confusion, because we seek out friends who are going through the same emotions and find a lot of comfort in confiding with them.

These special people in our lives are completely non-judgemental and accept us the way we are. No questions are asked and they are there to listen to us and help us love ourselves the way we are. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you ladies that there’s a huge sharing of empathy that happens among girlfriends.
​

So, please be eternally grateful to these people.

​WHAT ABOUT THE TATTOOS?

Coming back to my tattoos. Even five years ago, I wouldn’t have spent a minute thinking I’ll ever get myself inked, because they didn’t fit with my personality then.

Now, it’s just the right thing to define what’s going on in my mind. There’s an emancipation happening inside my head and they go very well with it.

What’ll happen in the next 5 years when I have changed again? Will I regret them and be in a hurry to laser them away? I don’t know. But for now I’ve done what I wanted to do and I love it!

There’s also this thing about living in the moment that comes with the self-love. And a devil-may-care attitude to many things, as though the mind is constantly raising its middle finger to the world. People’s opinions suddenly don’t matter any more.
​

And that’s the point, really; that mid-life doesn’t have to be riddled with crises. Work on accepting yourself as you are, with all the changes that are raging through you.
​

You’re creating a new avatar, but it’s still you. Surround yourself with like-minded people and breathe easy. This isn’t a crisis. This is rediscovering yourself.
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19 Comments
Vaishali
12/11/2018 07:08:33 am

I am 43, Frankly, I didn’t realise I was going they this phase till I read this article, made me think

I have done all that I feel good about ( didn’t understand myself why but jus did it )

I didn’t get inked, but got my hair chopped on Greece holiday

Stopped using heels 👠 as flats 🥿 just make me comfy ( and there were these days in past, where I couldn’t think of wearing flats )

Thank you

Reply
Tisha link
12/13/2018 01:43:27 am

Hi Vaishali,
Thank you for reading the blog and getting back to me.
I think most of us aren't aware of the changes that we are going through and have time to think about it. It just happens. And others label it as mid-life crisis.
Glad to hear about the fact that you are doing things that you are comfortable with.
Do join our closed FB group for taking part in discussions with like-minded women.
Fiery Over 40

Reply
Bijayini sarkar
12/15/2018 09:31:59 am

Highly impressed,coz running through a mid age crisis.....but your blog is a big support

Reply
Tisha link
12/17/2018 05:15:36 am

Dear Bijayani,
Thanks so much for your kind words.
Don’t say you are going through a crisis. It’s just a change in our heads that we are trying to come to terms with.

Reply
Mrs shubham Rajesh
12/18/2018 04:14:02 am

Hi
I can relate many things you mentioned happening to me like loss of self confidence, anxiety, disappointment, feeling neglected
I am 45.
You articles give lot of support to cope up with the situation

Reply
Tisha link
12/18/2018 07:46:47 pm

Dear Shubham,
Thanks for reaching out. We are all going through the same gamut of emotions. Some just perceive them more than others.
Never feel neglected. Fill your life with a lot of self-love. That helps. And don’t forget your girlfriends. They will see you through the rough times.
Do join our closed group, Fiery Over 40, on FB.

Reply
Ganga
12/18/2018 05:30:25 am

All that you've written resonates with me. I've done the tattoo, stopped colouring my hair, went on only ladies group holidays. It's been a great journey. I did go for personal counseling sessions to over come some personal issues I faced when I was thirty nine, forty which helped me over come the obstacles I was facing. Never did I look at it as a mid life crisis. You have made me realise that it might have been the crisis you've mentioned .
Very well articulated article.

Reply
Tisha link
12/18/2018 07:53:53 pm

Dear Ganga,
You are one courageous lady. And you are on the right path.
Don’t think of it as a crisis. It’s just changed you are going through coz of your mental evolvement that’s happening.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Do join our closed group, Fiery Over 40, on FB.

Reply
Rajani Menon
12/18/2018 08:20:23 pm

Dear Fiery Over 40

I am 41 and yes the tattoo does seem like the next thing to do, the long awaited never dared solo trip does seem like the thing to do, the long nights of chatting with your girl gang seems to be the best thing to do....do we all start thinking the same way? The so called 'crisis' has actually bonded and liberated at the same time so many of us....thanks for the article which gives me a glimpse into myself through your eyes....

Rajani

Reply
Pooja link
12/19/2018 06:54:24 pm

Hi,i totally relate here..i hav been feeling totally lost,loss of confidence,anxiety,anger so many things ..feel as if time has flown away and i couldnt do things which i wanted to..

Reply
Tisha link
12/20/2018 05:11:17 am

Dear Pooja,
Nothing is lost. You still have a lot of time and you can make the changes starting now. Easier said than done I know.
But my little advice is, try making a change that makes you happy, however small. Life’s too short to live with regrets.
Do join our closed FB group, Fiery Over 40, to have conversations with like minded people.

Reply
Devyani
12/19/2018 09:44:23 pm

Hi
Superb article !!! I absolutely second your thoughts on that. Our 20s and 30s were always about our kids, husband, family and little did we think about ourselves and time just flew. Now suddenly i live by 2 mantras YOLO ( You live only once) and JOMO ( Joy of missing out) i have stopped pleasing people who don't matter to me even at the risk of losing them totally.I want to do things that make me happy at the end of the day. Also, "Me time" had become more important than anything be it missing out on social gathering. I feel if you start realizing that we all have limited time here we will live our life in a more better way. Also a spiritual bend does help to keep away the crisis and also taking care of our mind and body will help to live the next half in a better way. No guilt for being selfish and self centred because our only best friend is our body and we must care for it or else who will. So enjoy the 40s which is the new 20s now :)

Reply
Tisha link
12/20/2018 05:13:16 am

Dear Devyani,
Thanks so much for your feedback.
You’ve written it so beautifully and said it all.
Yes, the fact that we feel time is a big factor now, does make us want to live for ourselves.

Reply
Shuchi Kaushal
12/21/2018 09:00:54 am

Hey!! Lovely article! Got a very short cut at 39. Decided to leave everything and be on my own just an year after that. However stayed with the family as I never wanted my son to suffer because of my decisions. I am spiritually active now and understand myself in a new light. No more non sense of any kind for me. Last year at 41 years I decided to be me before being perfect for everyone else. I must say it's quite liberating. There is a lot of clarity of thought and stable emotions. This month only I started classes for professional theatre. I am loving every minute of it. The best thing is that I have learned to be only responsible for myself and no one else (except my son) which had made life easy. After 40 I have understood the real meaning of living in the present and believe me it's the only thing one should learn rest every thing falls in place.

Reply
Tisha link
12/21/2018 11:35:26 pm

Dear Shuchi,
Thanks so much for writing back.
You are on the right track. You are rediscovering and accepting yourself by doing just the right things. Your new found passion for professional theatre.....it’s brilliant.
You are so right about living in the present and everything else falling into place.
I'd like to invite you to a safe space for women to continue the conversation: https://www.facebook.com/groups/fieryoverforty/ - feel free to join the community here.

Reply
Ekta
12/22/2018 10:21:57 am

Hi Tisha
I can totally relate to each word and situation.... but one thing for sure comforts me is that I'm not alone in the race and there's nothing unusual happening with me....well it certainly gives a lot of strength after reading the actuals....thanks heaps for putting it beautifully....

Reply
Tidha link
12/23/2018 11:06:10 am

Dear Ekta,
Thank you so much for your feedback.
Yes, you are not alone. The one reason I started writing sabout my feelings is because I feltI was not the only one who was going through this move and feeling these emotions.

I'd like to invite you to a safe space for women to continue the conversation: https://www.facebook.com/groups/fieryoverforty/ - feel free to join the community here.

Reply
Sonali Yadav
2/9/2020 06:27:55 am

Lovely article, could totally relate myself with it. Yes midlife without crises! it took a little while to shape it from midlife crises to without crises. It take's a lot of understanding of self to change the situation completely in your favor. I struggled with it for a while but finally rediscovered myself. I guess its the best phase of life. M loving the new rebel in me. Defying all the odds, started running at 45, sky diving at 45 and the list keeps on increasing day by day(Tattoo too is on the list). Mid life the best time of life!

Reply
Tisha Palit link
2/9/2020 10:52:39 pm

Sonali dear,
Thanks a lot.
Defying all odds.....you go girl!!
We all struggle, stumble and fall. Then we are plagued by self-doubt.
All a learning process.
Best wishes on your journey.

Reply



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    tisha Palit

    - Certified fitness Trainer
    - English and German Teacher
    ​- Meditation Practitioner 

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